Saturday, March 28, 2009

Memories From The Past.....Where Does Time Go?

Tonight while I was reading a fellow bloggers post about the trials and tribulations of an emerging teenager, it brought back some memories of my own son sprouting wings and leaving the nest. Her post reminded me of a journal entry I wrote a few months before we moved to Austin. He was way past the puberty stage but maybe this will help shed some light on "boys to men."

Here's for you my friend and fellow blogger....

Tonight I entered my son's room for something specific. It's been a very long time since I have entered his room and actually looked around. For whatever reason this time I took time to observe the car posters, hot wheels cars on his dresser, and various other things that denote a teenage boys bedroom......only he is emerging from a teenager into a full-fledged adult.

He will be twenty years old in July. As I stood there and glanced around at all of his cherished childhood memories, I wondered at what point your baby becomes an adult and you don't even notice it...or if he even notices it.

We will be moving 10 hours away soon and leaving him behind, by his choice of course. I can't help but feel such a sense of loss for the child that I have loved, cherished and cared for so dearly for so long. After all, he is my first so he will always hold a special place in my heart.

As I stood there in his room and took in all I could of his surroundings, I couldn't help but wonder if he would feel the same loss in the same way as I will. I know it is a natural thing for the "bird " to leave the nest but I guess as a mother, I will always look back and hope that I helped make a few happy memories for him and that he will take those memories and carry them with him into his own family one day.

Here's another entry from the past with a different perspective...

Sitting on my back deck tonight, my almost 19 yr old son and I were having a conversation about old times. In talking to him I realized that his perception and my perception of our past experiences together were totally different.

I have a good respectable son that everyone likes (including my parents whom never really liked me all that much) He has never given me any trouble and is sensitive and compassionate towards his father and I.

I was in my early twenty's when I had him. Although I was young, I spent a lot of quality time with him. I was never one of those mothers that was always looking for someone else to care for her kids. I WANTED to be with my child and cherished our time together.

Growing up, I always felt that I was smidge emotionally neglected as a child so I vowed to compensate by always "being there" for my son. Granted in the few years leading up to my divorce I know there were some unpleasant times for there was for all of us, but I still did what I could to maintain his life as normal as possible even if it meant making mine more difficult.

Obviously I didn't do as good of a job as what I thought I had. In our conversation on the back decks that night, he seemed to only remember the "bad times". While I seem to remember all the sacrifices I made and the things I did to try and make his life as easy as possible, he seemed to remember mostly the bad times.

After thinking this through I thought, do I not do the same thing??? I can only seem to focus on the neglectful things my parents did and not the many sacrifices they made to make our lives as good as they knew how to at the time. When I look back on my young life, I know my parents did the best with what they had...just as I did.

Why is it human nature to only remember the negative times in every part of our lives? With these thoughts it makes me want to not try so hard to be a "perfect mom" to my second child.....after all, won't she just remember the negative things anyway. Just a thought....

1 comment:

  1. Awww, thanks for thinking of me :~) I might have the post easier had I not been a sniffly, over sensitive, basket case of a momma right now.

    Tears are good...tears of sadness only show that I love my boy dearly and have enjoyed every stinking moment of childhood. I will embrace this new beginning into teenhood, it's just gonna be a little different...probably not as sappy.

    You are right matter how perfect we make it, they will mostly remember the bad, what they didn't get and what they would have done instead. Hmmmm, good food for thought, as usual.